When Love Hurts: Masochism and Longing in Call Me By Your Name

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Introduction: Love as Agony

André Aciman’s Call Me By Your Name (2007) offers more than just a narrative of first love; it explores the unspoken and often destructive forces of desire, obsession, and emotional self-harm that accompany the experience of longing. Set in the picturesque Italian countryside, the novel follows the complex, tumultuous relationship between Elio Perlman, a young, introspective boy, and Oliver, a charismatic American scholar. Through their interactions, Aciman presents love not as a source of fulfillment, but as a continuous cycle of desire that, in its impossibility, becomes both the pleasure and the pain that defines the emotional experience of being human.

The dynamic between Elio and Oliver, charged with eroticism and deep yearning, emerges as an exploration of masochism in love, where emotional suffering is not a hindrance to desire but its very fuel. This essay argues that Call Me By Your Name is a profound study of masochistic longing—an exploration of how love, as an emotional and physical experience, becomes a force of self-inflicted pain that Elio not only endures but craves. Using psychoanalytic theory, literary history, and cultural context, this analysis will argue that Aciman's narrative resists conventional notions of romantic fulfillment and instead focuses on the perpetual, unresolved ache of longing.

Emotional Masochism and the Desire for Suffering

In order to understand the masochistic structure of Elio’s love for Oliver, it is essential to explore the psychological concept of masochism through the lens of psychoanalytic theory. Freud’s concept of repetition compulsion, which refers to the psychological phenomenon wherein individuals compulsively return to painful or destructive patterns, offers a useful framework for understanding Elio's emotional trajectory. Elio’s obsession with Oliver is not merely a fleeting infatuation; it is a repetitive, cyclical engagement with emotional pain that seems necessary for Elio’s sense of self.

Psychoanalyst Gilles Deleuze offers another valuable perspective on masochism, which he views not merely as suffering but as a pleasurable form of self-inflicted punishment. According to Deleuze, masochism is a way for the individual to "negotiate" with pain—transforming it into a source of power and enjoyment. This idea can be applied to Elio’s relationship with Oliver: the more unattainable Oliver becomes, the more Elio desires him. His suffering becomes both a means of experiencing love and a way of giving it meaning. For Elio, the pain of longing is inseparable from the joy of desire, and this desire, in turn, becomes a source of emotional pleasure.

This masochistic impulse is evident throughout the novel. Elio actively engages with his own anguish, transforming it into a dynamic of constant emotional oscillation. He desires Oliver not just in a conventional way, but in a manner that necessitates a degree of suffering, as if the pain of unrequited love is a fundamental part of his emotional world. Elio, therefore, is not seeking closure or resolution from his feelings for Oliver. Instead, he willingly submits to the perpetual torment of desire, finding in it a profound emotional fulfillment. This continuous longing becomes a central aspect of his identity, one that he does not wish to resolve but to sustain.

The Eroticism of Longing: Pleasure in Pain

The eroticism of longing in Call Me By Your Name is intricately tied to Elio’s masochistic desire. The novel offers a rich exploration of how desire, when unfulfilled, becomes not just a passive feeling but an active, erotic force. Roland Barthes’ concept of the "lover’s discourse" helps frame this aspect of the novel. According to Barthes, the lover exists in a constant state of anticipation, oscillating between hope and despair, and this ambiguity becomes eroticized in the lover’s mind. The erotic tension in Call Me By Your Name is not just about the physical proximity of Elio and Oliver, but about the emotional and psychological space that separates them.

In the context of Elio’s love for Oliver, the desire to be touched, to be seen, becomes bound up with the desire to remain in the state of longing. Elio admits, “I wanted him gone. But I wanted him here. I wanted him to touch me. I wanted to be held. I wanted to be thrown away and to throw him away myself.” This contradictory statement encapsulates the essence of masochistic love—Elio does not simply want to be loved; he wants the pain of loving to persist. This paradox becomes the driving force of his desire, where his sexual attraction is deeply entwined with the pain of its denial. The anticipation of physical closeness with Oliver brings with it a foreboding sense of impending loss, a loss that Elio craves because it intensifies the erotic nature of his longing.

In this sense, the physical body itself becomes a battleground of desire and rejection. Elio’s attraction to Oliver is not simply the desire for his body, but the experience of loving a body that remains at once near and out of reach. This tension between proximity and distance—the pull of physical desire and the push of emotional restraint—is what makes the longing so deeply erotic. Through this, Aciman transforms the typical love story into a study of the emotional and physical pleasures of yearning itself.

Structure and Temporal Fluidity: Memory as Both Prison and Sanctuary

The structure of Call Me By Your Name—episodic, fragmented, and non-linear—reflects the nature of Elio’s emotional experience. The past does not merely fade into memory; it continuously invades the present, rewriting the emotional landscape of Elio’s life. This fluidity of time mirrors the recurrence of Elio’s longing. His memories of Oliver are not static reflections of a past moment but living, breathing entities that remain active in his consciousness, influencing his emotional state long after the events have transpired.

Aciman’s narrative resists the conventional, linear progression of time that is often associated with the arc of love stories. Instead, time becomes circular, constantly folding back onto itself, with each memory of Oliver triggering new waves of longing. For Elio, the pain of remembering Oliver never recedes; rather, it evolves into a form of emotional self-sustenance. His memories are both a sanctuary and a prison. While they provide Elio with a means of reconnecting with his lost love, they also keep him trapped in an endless loop of desire that can never be fulfilled.

This temporal structure enhances the masochistic dimension of Elio’s emotions. The past is never truly past; it is continually re-enacted through his recollections, each memory a re-visitation of the suffering he once endured. Elio’s emotional masochism is reinforced through the recursive nature of his thoughts. Unlike traditional romantic stories where the resolution of longing is the goal, here, the longing itself becomes the resolution, reinforcing the notion that emotional pain, in love, can be as enduring and significant as the pleasure it might bring.

The Tragic Lover: Literary Traditions of Excessive Desire

Elio’s emotional masochism is not unique in literary history; rather, it places him within a long tradition of tragic lovers whose excessive desire leads to their ruin. From Goethe’s The Sorrows of Young Werther to Proust’s In Search of Lost Time, literary figures have long been depicted as suffering from a form of love that is both transcendent and destructive. These figures, much like Elio, love not just deeply but overwhelmingly, with an intensity that causes emotional and psychological harm.

However, what distinguishes Call Me By Your Name is Aciman’s resistance to the traditional narrative of tragic resolution. Whereas Werther’s love ultimately leads to his death, and Proust’s narrator seeks to escape the past, Elio does not seek to resolve or escape his emotional agony. Instead, he embraces it, allowing the pain of his love for Oliver to define his future emotional life. Elio’s love does not end with closure or catharsis; instead, it continues to evolve, taking on new forms of longing and loss.

Aciman’s refusal to provide a conventional resolution to Elio’s emotional journey suggests that love, in its purest form, is defined by its impermanence and the pain it inflicts. Elio’s love for Oliver does not diminish or vanish over time; rather, it transforms into an eternal ache that remains with him, marking his emotional life forever. This suggests that the pain of love, rather than being something to overcome, is something to embrace—an essential part of the human condition.

Socio-Cultural Context: The Pain of Forbidden Love

The cultural and historical context of Call Me By Your Name further intensifies the emotional dynamics of Elio and Oliver’s relationship. Set in the early 1980s, a time when LGBTQ+ relationships were not widely accepted, the novel’s portrayal of forbidden love adds another layer of masochism to Elio’s emotional experience. In a society that devalues their relationship, Elio’s desire is further alienated, marking it as something that cannot be publicly acknowledged or fully realized.

The secrecy surrounding their relationship, as well as the societal shame attached to it, adds a unique dimension to Elio’s suffering. His emotional masochism is not merely self-inflicted; it is also socially constructed. In a world that insists on the illegitimacy of his desire, Elio’s love becomes even more painful because it is simultaneously desired and forbidden. This societal repression amplifies the ache of longing, making Elio’s desire for Oliver not just a private emotional experience but an existential struggle against the cultural forces that demand silence and denial.

Conclusion: The Eternal Ache of Love

The final resolution of Call Me By Your Name—Elio’s quiet reflection on his love for Oliver years after their affair has ended—serves as a poignant conclusion to the novel’s exploration of masochistic longing. Elio does not experience the catharsis typically expected in romantic narratives. Instead, he embraces his emotional scars, allowing them to remain as a testament to the depth of his love.

Aciman’s novel suggests that love, in its most intense and painful form, is not something we move past or overcome. Instead, it becomes part of us, woven into the fabric of our being. The pain of love—especially love that cannot be fully realized—becomes a form of remembrance, an enduring ache that marks the lover forever. Call Me By Your Name is not just a story about love lost but about the enduring power of desire and the masochistic pleasure of longing for something that will never be fully possessed.

Writer's Note

I first read Call Me By Your Name four years ago, and since then, it has remained etched in my mind, lingering in the quiet corners of my thoughts. The intensity of its emotional landscape, the raw vulnerability of its characters, and the aching beauty of its prose have stayed with me in ways I hadn't anticipated. Recently, I rewatched the film adaptation, and it reignited the feelings I had while reading the book. The pain, the longing, the unspoken desire—it all rushed back, this time in a deeper, more resonant way. The experience of revisiting Call Me By Your Name prompted me to explore its themes once more, not just as a reflection of unfulfilled love, but as a complex study of emotional masochism and the longing that defines so many of our relationships. Writing this essay felt like coming full circle, allowing me to revisit and unpack the profound impact this story has had on me. Like the love at the heart of the novel, this reflection is something that, in its ache, has stayed with me.

— Love, Mukta.

**All pictures are credited to Pinterest.**

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